It was just a thought.

I have lost everything. What I didn't lose, I sold. And now I'm here empty-handed and full-hearted wondering what I have left to give. Sometimes I feel so worthless. What do I have to offer the world? What do I have to offer anyone? If I knew then all that I know now, I could have made myself a wonderful life. Instead, all of my mistakes have created this mess of a bed that I have to lie in. I think it all started when I was 5 years old, sitting on the front porch waiting for Daddy #2 to come see me. He didn't come. He never came. Fast forward to every Father's Day for 10 years, waiting for any daddy to come. He came. But not for me. He never came for me. Fast forward a year and I'm laying in a bed naked. The guy who just barely isn't a stranger is sitting on the edge of the bed and throws my clothes at me, my virginity laying in the corner of his room amidst the pile of other girls' virginities he'd stolen, accumulated and forgotten about. 3 days later and I'm naked on the floor next to the biggest stoner in the world thinking I may have well have had sex with him. Maybe he would like me then. And I felt like trash anyway. I can't walk a few weeks later because the night before Sam Smiley raped me while my best friend was in the other room flirting. 2 Coronas had made me more than tipsy but not too drunk to know that when he's pushing me, slapping me, pulling my hair, forcing me to suck him off and eventually pushing himself in me despite my protests, it's rape. And no, rape is not the same as rough sex. Oh and then there was Dane. Whose idea of commitment opened and closed according to when we had sex. "Yes, I want a relationship with you, Gabby." Then we'd fuck. Then it's "No , Gabby, I don't want anything serious." Oh how convenient. So there I was, 4 days before Christmas, in the cold, cement stairwell of an apartment building in KCMO. I'm 7 flights up from the apartment where the party is held and I'm with this douche bag, Alex Soper. He thinks he's the shit because he has his lip pierced. So Alex is tipsy and he's thinking he's going to get lucky. Why I agreed to go into the stairwell with him is a mystery to me. I guess I just felt bad about saying no. I shouldve said no. But so, he's pushing me against the wall kissing me and I'm ohkay with the kissing, he's cute, you know? But he's begging me to fuck him and I'm refusing. So he starts to pull the emotional act where he says nobody likes him and he just thinks I'm so pretty and he wants to be with me. But me, I'm smarter than that. So I try to leave. I want to get away. He won't let me. Keeps pushing me against the wall. He's getting mad. Tries to push me over the banister. He hikes up my skirt, moves my panties to the side and puts it in me. I'm slapping him and yelling. I hear someone call up from a few flights below. Alex pulls out, cums on my leg, zips up his pants and runs down the steps laughing. I cry. For months. But see, to him it was laughable. Because he thinks I'm the town whore trying to change my ways and have a come-to-Jesus moment and he just wasn't going to be the one who misses out or be rejected by a slut like me. Oh no no no. Well, I tell Mom. Mom says I'm trash. And that's it. That's me. I've been hurt, slayed, by everyone I know. And now I'm here, wanting to give someone something and I have nothing to give. Sometimes, I just feel so helpless. Hopeless. Worthless. I'm so hollow but I want to be full. Full of life. Full of hope. Full of love. I have lost everything. What I didn't lose, I sold. But without fail, I will restore all.

Around and around I go. Stuck on that merry-go-round of happiness. I was happy only a day ago and now I'm back in this miserable pit. Once again. Ha. It's quite humerous if you think about it. Just when I'm thinking: "Wow. Things are going to be different. I finally am getting something to be proud of," I get a swift kick in the ass compliments of Reality. I'm realizing that I'm that girl. I'm always going to be that girl. The he's may change but I'll always be that girl. I got drunk and had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for so long. The next morning, while the taste of alcohol still lingers on my lips yet the rush has numbed, I laid there in his arms just hoping that there was some way that we could be something. That I could be something. Anything. Something more than just a night. A regret. A vague memory. But I knew even then that it wasn't a possibility. Guys don't take me seriously. I'm that girl guys have a good time with. They have relationships and meaningful conversations with "real" girls. Girls they actually care about. I am not one of those girls. As much as I may desire to be one of those girls, fate has quite a different plan of its own. Though I knew it was pointless, I talked to him again later that day, asking him how I should determine the events that had transpired the previous night. "I don't care either way," I said.(Lied.) "I just want to know. Be honest." He told me he hoped it was more than just a drunken night. Whether that was honesty or just a candied version of it, I swallowed it with a smile. From there it just...went on. We went on dates. We had conversations. He took me seriously. Finally, for the first time ever, I wasn't that girl. I was one of those girls. Now I'm sitting here. Choking on my tears and feeling even more worthless than I felt before. Hope makes things hurt worse. Because hope has no substance to it. It's just empty. Empty wishes and girlish desires. Having them fanned by a boy just makes you burn even faster. I'm in ashes, my tears soaking through me, and I just want to disappear. I'll always be that girl. No matter how hard I try to stray away from it. It just follows me, stepping on my heels and tripping me up. I'm embarrassed to show my face. I don't feel worthy enough to even coexist with these people. I'm trash. Nobody will ever want me for anything more than a night. Maybe a few nights tops but it always ends the same. They use me for what I am, let me stay around for a few hours, then in the morning, put me by the curb. Take out the trash.

He won't move.
So neither will I.
We'll see where that gets us.
Wild guess?
Nowhere.

For this brief moment in time, everything is just fine. In fact, everything is too fine. Things are so fine that for this brief moment in time, I feel compelled to stand completely still for fear that my one move with throw everything off and I will find myself back in that miserable pit I just got pulled out of. I feel like God is actually there. He's really listening and not only is He listening, but He's helping too. I guess it's just little things that He's doing that make my life a bit brighter. For instance, I broke my phone the other day. On top of everything bad that had happened that day, through all the tears and frustration, my day was just horibble enough and then that happened and everything in me just wanted to scream. Not having any hope whatsoever, I figured I'd try to use my old phone which had mysteriously broken just weeks ago. Surprisingly, it turned on. And worked. I know it was nothing I did because I did nothing. While God didn't erase all the bad things that had happened that day, He did prevent another for which I am overwhelmingly thankful. While a phone isn't high on the priority list, I think it's unimportance in the scheme of things is what makes this so meaningful to me. To think that this great god who created and reigns over an entire world would look down at me sitting in my living room chair running my fingers through my hair and scowling in frustration and...care. He cared. He cared about me and my dinky cell phone. He cares about my stupid little problems and frustrations. For this brief moment in time, I feel like I don't have to control anything in my life. I can just live knowing that God is taking care of me. While my parents are going through a divorce and our home should feel broken, in actuality, it couldn't feel stronger. I have this boyfriend who actually wants me for me. For the first time ever, I have a guy who doesn't want anything more from me than a piece of my time which I am overjoyed to give him. High school which has felt so stupid and pointless all this time is actually feeling ohkay with me. I have all A's and I'm going to prom with this incredible guy. I have a job while many don't. I have everybody I could possibly want right here. The wonderful part of all of this is that it isn't because of anything I did or said. This isn't due to tedious strategizing and wisdom on my part. This is because God did this. He saw me miserable and wanted me to be happy. And I am. For this brief moment in time, I am happy. And I'm scared to death of going back to the saddness that has been claiming me for all these years. So I'm just going to stay still. Completely. Still.